The "D" Word: Divorce

          Divorce peaked in the 1970's as a result of the no-fault divorce law, but has been on a mild decline. It is said that 50% of marriages end in divorce. This isn't true, however, because it is hard to track. It may be the same people marrying and then divorcing. The reality is that 75% of people stay happily married. So don't be afraid to make the commitment.

President Spencer W. Kimball gives a never failing formula for marriage success. It is:

1. very careful selection & marriage in the right way
2. great unselfishness
3. continued courtship & affection
4. keep the commandments

Marriage is instituted to help you become a new person -like our Heavenly Father. You have a lot of power and choices.

Parenting

Why do people want to have kids and be parents? I mean in 2009 it was estimated that the cost of raising one child from birth to age 17 was $221,000! That's a lot of money! There are plenty of reasons couples choose to have children and why some opt out.

Why People Want to Have Children

• Experience of happiness in a family
• Personal fulfillment
• Personal & family legacy
• Personal status
• Religious beliefs
• Social expectations

Why People Opt Out

• Personal Fulfillment
• Focus on career
• Economic costs of children
• Focus on marriage
• Doubts about parenting skills                                                                                   

Most of the reasons why people opt out of having children are for selfish reasons or out of fear. The reality is having a child is always going to be scary whether it's your first child or your fifth! And parenting is always going to require sacrifice on your part to meet the needs of the child. There will never be a good enough reason not to have kids unless it puts the mother's life in danger! The benefits of parenthood far outweigh the benefits of being childless. So why is parenting so important?

The Purposes of Parenting

• to develop patience & selflessness & unconditional love
• to teach us & children
• intergenerational patterns established/perpetuated
• to continue learning
• to approximate God's role; change our relationship with Him

 

*Parenting does just as much for the parent as it does for the child*

Children are not well accepted in today's world. Many adults see today's children as spoiled and rude. All I can say to that is that if children act that way it is their parent's fault! That's right I said it it the parent's fault! Parents are responsible to teach their children. If parents don't teach their children they will learn from other sources: the world! So what should parents teach their children? A guy by the last name of Popkins says children should be taught four things:

1. Cooperation - working with others
2. Mutual Respect - demonstrate it instead of just demanding it)
3. Responsibility - giving children choices and consequences. It's teaching them to respond
4. Courage - from the heart - a risk with a desired outcome. Encourage kids!

Parenting is the biggest responsibility, but it is also the biggest opportunity for you to influence someone for the better. Who wouldn't want that kind of an opportunity?!

Working Together as Families

          What do you want to be when you grow up? is a common question little children are asked. Some want to be police men while others want to be artists. However, you never hear the response, "I want to be a father or a mother." Why is that? Such roles are devalued in our culture and society now-a-days. Women required to stay home with the children are "oppressed" because they can't go out and earn money. The world seems to think that how much money you earn determines your worth. This just isn't so. In Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless's article Family Work, they discuss the importance and purpose of family work. In today's fast paced world we are constantly looking for new ways of doing things more effectively and efficiently. Bahr and Loveless state that this takes away from the purpose of family work of talking, playing, and serving one another. I would urge everyone to read their article. 

          Another interesting fact about mothers with children that work is that they are actually paying to work. For example, say the husband makes around $43,000 a year and the wife makes around $23,000 a year. The family should be making around $66,000 a year right? Wrong! The family actually only makes $41,500 a year. Why? Child care services like day care or preschool are pretty pricey. It really isn't that economical for mothers to go to work. That doesn't mean that mothers can't work from home. If they did they would still get paid but not have to pay for daycare or gas to go to and from work everyday. :)

Communication & Conflict in Marriage

     The eyes of my understanding were opened this week to the miracle and purpose of communication, listening, and counseling. This week we read about communication and conflict in marriage. I felt like these topics specifically applied to me because I am a terrible communicator especially when it comes to resolving conflict with my husband. Growing up we didn't talk about our feelings very much - it just wasn't something we regularly did. And I still don't like to talk about my feelings - why I'm angry or sad, etc. It drives my husband crazy. After this week's reading I discovered that when conflict arises I am an avoider. I would much rather keep the peace and not talk about it and fight and argue. You would think that this would be good right - avoiding fighting. However, it is destructive to a relationship because issues are never discussed. If issues are never discussed then anger and frustration builds up inside until you only see the negative. I have truly learned this week that it is important to discuss your feelings and concerns. But the trick to fighting effectively is using "I" statements such as 'I really like when the dishes are done' or 'I am concerned about this or that'. No one likes the blame game especially if you're the one being blamed. Using "I" statements attacks the issue and not your partner. I don't always use "I" statements, but I am trying to do better. I can tell you though that when I do use "I" statements I am more calm when my husband and I discuss issues and the conflict gets resolved more effectively and I don't feel attacked and angry in the end as I usually do.
     I also learned of the importance of councils and counseling with our councils. There is a proper way to council. It is effective at solving problems because every member of the council has the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings and ideas. It is an open discussion where every one is respected. Proper counseling seeks to find truth not to "win" or to be "right." I strongly recommend reading Elder M. Russell Ballard's October 1993 and April 1994 General Conference talks, Strength in Counsel and Counseling with Our Councils. Elder Ballard teaches the Lord's way of counseling.

When Crisis Strikes

     There are times in all of our lives of stress and crisis. Some crises are not as damaging while others have a much longer lasting effect that makes it harder to bounce back.

     Think of crisis as an opportunity with danger. An opportunity in the sense that you can grow from the experience and danger in the sense that things will be crazy for a while. Reuben Hill came up with a model to explain stress and crisis - the ABCX model.

A - the Actual event

                    B - Both resources & responses

           +     C - Cognitions (What you think)

        X - The total eXperience

     Crises can be different for different people and families. A lost job may be a mere set back to one family while it is considered the end of the world to another family. We all see and cope with crisis in different ways. It's important to remember that it's the structure (your response to the stresser) not the stresser that is destructive. This is because crises necessitate change. Nothing will change unless you change it. Let me explain. You may think that the stresser event caused your feelings, but really it's your thoughts that cause your feelings and resulting actions because actions are consistent with thoughts and feelings. This is because when crisis strikes our brain goes crazy analyzing it to death. Therefore, if you think negatively about the stresser event your feelings and actions will be negative, but be if you think positively about the stresser event your feelings and actions will be positive. The power of thought is amazing! When you change your thoughts it changes your feelings and actions. We have a choice to react to the stresser or to respond. Here's a model to clearly show what how our thoughts influence us.

 

     The trick to dealing with a crisis is to observe and describe reality in a non-judgmental way. Other effective ways to cope with crisis is to take responsibility (don't play the victim game), affirm your own and your family's worth, balance self-concern with other-concern, learn the art of reframing (paradigm shift), and find and use available resources. If you cope with crisis effectively you might just come out better than before the crisis.

Marital Intimacy

We've all been taught from the time that we are young that you should only have sex when you are married. Any such activity outside of marriage is wrong. And it is - it is wrong to engaged in sexual intimacy before marriage, but people never tend to talk about why such intimacy is encouraged in a marriage. We are taught that sex is bad so many believe that it is a bad thing. Some people even feel guilty for having sex after they get married. We and our future children need to understand that marital intimacy is approved and is such a good, and critical thing when used appropriately. Intimacy in marriage brings a husband and a wife closer together. It is a way for them to express their love for one another and to help the other feel safe and secure. Sexual intimacy in marriage is such a wonderful, sacred, spiritual experience. This should be communicated to the youth so that they fully understand sex and love. So many teens, and even adults, think that love and sex are two unrelated events - that one night stands are acceptable to fulfill intimacy needs. In an article/pamphlet by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson called Making a Love Connection it says,

"For another reason, teenagers also lack what earlier generations took for granted: a normative sequence for the timing of sex, marriage, and parenthood. Today's teens struggle in a culture that no longer tells them how these three events should be sequenced or what the optimal sequence might be."

Teens today don't understand sex and it's timing or purposes because they are not taught about it. This kind of teaching should be first taught in the home to ensure proper teaching. If we don't teach our children the proper use of sex the world will teach them its views.I know it is an uncomfortable and awkward conversation to have with teenagers, but it must be done. The more teens understand the doctrine and purposes of sex they more responsible they will be with it. If you don't know where to begin or how to talk to your child about sexual intimacy I suggest you read this article by Matthew O. Richardson called Teaching Chastity and Virtue. It outlines six strategies for teaching your children about sexual intimacy.

Saying I Do!

Marriage is not something we just decide to do on a whim, at least I hope not. The decision to marry is part of a long process. There are four distinct steps in the marriage process and each step has a specific purpose. Notice I said distinct not vague or abstract. Those steps are:

1. Date -

• Date a variety of people and do a variety of activities to see what you like and what you don't like. In other words think of those you date as ice cream flavors. You must try all the flavors to decide which is your favorite.

2. Courtship -

• Most people now-a-days don't court someone as was done years ago. But this time can be considered your "trial run." You are dating this person but you continue to do a variety of activities to get to know one another to see if you mesh.

 3. Engagement -

• You now have a ring on her finger and a date set. You are both saying, "We will marry!" During this time you and your fiance should be making decisions together, practicing sacrificing for and with each other, establishing boundaries around your new relationship and family system, solving problems, and relying on each other.
• An important thing to remember during this time is that you should spend more time planning your marriage than planning your wedding. Your wedding will be one day, but your marriage will last forever.

4. Marriage -

• Finally you are married and as such your first priority is one another. During this time you each should be attentive to one another. Go on a honey moon away from everyone else. Take this time to be husband and wife and to become a new family distinct from all others.

Finding Your Knight in Shining Armor

How do you find a life partner? Where in the world is the person that you'll spend the rest of your life with? They are most likely right out your front door. Literally! People tend to date those people that are close to them. It's called propinquity. Funny word right?! That's why most long distant relationships don't work out so well - your not close so you can't be as involved with each other. Your life mate will obviously be the most attractive person on the Earth! and you will have the same interests and hobbies. These 3 things, propinquity, physical attractiveness, and similarities, are how people tend to find dates and ultimately a life partner. Then once you've found someone to date you may be asking, "is it love?"

What is love? How do you describe such a strong, deep emotion? I think love is a strong feeling you have that draws you to a person and motivates you to be better. The Greeks defined 4 different kinds of love. They are:

• Agape - love that is independent of feelings; you are more concerned about their well-being. This can be called charity.
• Eros - sexual and romantic love. It is most often associated with passionate love.
• Philia - love between friends. It is like a brotherly love.
• Storge - love between parents and children. There is a connection, a commitment, and a responsibility with this type of love.

Which kind of love is most important when dating or in a marriage? I believe that you need all 4 kinds of love, especially in a marriage.  Love starts out as Eros, the passionate love. The honeymoon stage of dating and marriage is all about passion - you can't get enough of each other. However, as time passes and you get to know one another more and more the love starts to evolve into varying degrees of all the other kinds of love. You love your spouse so much - there is a connection, you are committed, and you feel responsible for them and their well-being. Your love has gone from being on the surface to a deep and abiding love of passion and friendship. This is the most valuable kind of love, I believe, because this deep, abiding, companionate love creates unity - you and your spouse become one. I have only been married for about 10 months now, but I have seen and felt the love I have for my husband grow and deepen. I have loved getting to know more about him and I love that I will be able to get to know him more and grow closer to him in the years to come. I love you babe! :)

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better!

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

 -The Family: A Proclamation to the World

         Men and women are different! Those are the cold hard facts! We each have a divine nature about us. Men were created to fill a different role than women. Men are to provide and protect their families while women are to nurture and care for children. The nature of men makes them better suited to provide for and protect. While the nature of women makes them better suited to nurture and care for children. Now this does not mean that men can't nurture and that women can't provide. They can! There are many stay-at-home dads and working mothers! I just said better suited not the only one who can do the job. Men are generally (usually but not always) better able to focus on one thing at a time and are better at spacial orientation. (That's why they're so good at sports and video games.) Women generally (usually but not always) are more emotional and are better at articulating words for communicating. (That's why they can respond to a baby's needs automatically.) This is mostly due to the fact that our brains are run by different hormones. Men have more testosterone and women have more estrogen. These are different hormones/chemicals so it makes sense that we would think differently because they operate differently. If we can just accept the fact that we are different and embrace it we can better help each other out. The differences between men and women are meant to complement one another not compete against each other. They are meant to help us work together to achieve a common goal! We each have a divine nature about us. Gender is important and so are the roles associated with being a male or a female. I know that as we each fulfill our different roles as men and women we will be a happier and healthier people.

Righteous Judgement

If you watched this episode of Boy Meets World I shouldn't have to say anything else, you would understand the purpose of this post. However, I will put my two cents in anyway. :)
     
          Think back to your high school days. Who were the cool kids? Who were the nerdy kids? Who were the rebels? We all knew then and can even remember now who belonged to what group. In high school those groups were called cliques. In the real world they're called social classes and are based off money instead of coolness. Some people have nice paying jobs that allow them to live comfortably while others are constantly working and struggle to make ends meet. We are all just people trying to make a living and create a name and life for ourselves. Whether or not we achieve this and how easily we achieve this depends on our different  backgrounds. We are all different and are born into different circumstances.  Having money doesn't make you important and being poor doesn't make you dirt. We are all people and we are all God's children. He loves us all the same no matter what our paycheck is. After all, we can't buy our way into Heaven! In the Holy Bible in John 7:24 we are reminded not to judge according to appearance, but to make righteous judgements. And in 1 Samuel 16:7 we are told that men look on the outward appearance of others, but that the Lord looketh upon the heart. This is what righteous judgement is - looking on the heart, having charity, and loving all of God's children for who they are, not for their money. Remember, the love of money is the root of all evil (1Timothy 6:10). So why are we, as humans, so quick to judge one another? I know I have been guilty many times of making unrighteous judgments about people. I think she's ugly or he's short or she's stuck up, etc. I always have to keep reminding myself that whoever I judge is a child of God and that I should love them as He does. The above episode of Boy Meets World shows us that it really doesn't matter what social class you belong to or how much money you have, it's the people that matter. I think this is an important lesson for all of us, especially myself, to learn and to remember.

What Did You Say?!

This week we've been talking about 4 different theories used in family studies. They are: Family Systems Theory (analyze the whole not just the individual parts), Exchange Theory (you at least get back what you put in), Symbolic Interaction Theory (our perspective/how we interpret the symbols/signals we receive), and Conflict Theory (power struggles between genders or social classes).  The one I've been thinking about most is the Symbolic Interaction Theory. We all use symbols to communicate with one another whether it's words, how we say something, our body language, if we roll our eyes, or fold our arms etc. All of these are symbols and as we all have experienced these symbols are often times misunderstood or misinterpreted. So why do we misunderstand people so often? Why is our communication deficient between one another? It all has to do with the different experiences we have all had. For example, I can say something to my husband and he takes it a completely different way then I meant it because he might have a certain experience attached to that certain phrase. I may have a positive experience attached to the phrase, but perhaps he doesn't. It made me realize the importance of communication! If we don't communicate with one another no one can understand us or our feelings or what we're doing and why we're doing it. There needs to be a certain amount of communication so that the symbols we're sending and receiving don't get mixed up as much. This is especially important in a marriage and in a family. People get their feelings hurt all the time or get upset because of something a spouse/sibling does. We naturally think that they do it on purpose, but really they have a reason for feeling how they feel or for doing something. I, myself, am horrible at communicating. I never say why I'm doing something or why or what I'm feeling. I need to do better at explaining things to my husband, in particular, so that he understands me and where I’m coming from so we can be on the same page with each other.

Babies! Babies! BABIES!

I recently watched a broadcast called The New Economic Reality: A Demographic Winter. It talks about the worldwide drop in fertility rates and the effects of a declining population on the family, society, and even the economy. It was very interesting to see the affects of the current world trend to have smaller families.

            We’ve all heard the saying that family is the fundamental unit of society. The word fundamental means serving as, or being an essential part of, a foundation or basis; basic; underlying. It also means of, pertaining to, or affecting the foundation. Therefore, the family is the foundation of society. The pyramid of society goes like this: first, family is at the foundation. The families create cultures which creates a society which creates a nation (see picture right). If you take out the foundation or the families from a society or nation it all comes crumbling down.

            People have many different reasons for not marrying and having children. The 2 most common reasons are that children are too expensive in today’s economy and that they don't want a child to get in the way of their career. It is true that to have a child or children is expensive, but it is better in the long run to have children than to opt out. We can look to Japan and Italy for an example. Their fertility rates are below what is needed to at least replace their current populations. Their economies have “tanked” and they are struggling to survive because of their declining populations. The economy decline comes as a direct result of fewer children being born because there are fewer people contributing to the economy. This is also why the housing market is so bad because there is no one to buy existing houses. As for people who choose to have a career over having children, I’ll just say this; women have forgotten their role as women as they have tried to complete with men. You can have children and still have a career. People do it all the time! Having the opportunity to have and raise children is the most important career that someone can have, in my opinion, because they are literally giving back to society by making sure there is a future generation to carry on the society. I think C.S. Lewis puts it all in perspective:

“The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only…to support the ultimate career.”

From a gospel viewpoint, the Lord has said that the family is central to His plan (see The Proclamation attached to previous post). God’s eternal plan is built around families. We are literally the spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father and there are more of His children that want to have the opportunity to come to earth just like us. President Brigham Young said this about our duty to provide tabernacles (bodies) for those spirit children:

“There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can.”

The world we live in today has lost all concept of family and what it means to be a family. Elder Boyd K. Packer, of the quorum of the twelve apostles, has said “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.” If people understood the doctrine behind families and the importance of them they would stop delaying marriage and have a desire to have a family and children. They would understand the relationship between having children and their own overall well being. So what is the doctrine behind family? Here it is in a non-religious way.

Doctrine (Why): Family is the fundamental unit of society.

Principle (What): Have a family – get married and have babies!

Application (How): Stop delaying marriage and postponing having children.

If you remember anything from this post I hope it is this: 

If we fail to create a future generation our quality of life will surely decline.

Marriage is Ordained of God

          Today I was reading in Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy about Marriage & Family in America. It begins by saying that we are social creatures because we all want and need intimate relationships - we want close, personal relationships with others. It's just in our nature. It goes on to talk about marriage and the happiness and satisfaction that can come from it. Research has shown that married people live longer, are happier, and better off overall than those who have casual dating relationships, cohabitate, or don’t date all. These are the cold hard facts! Yet it amazes me how so many people today decide to remain unmarried or to have casual dating relationships. Do they not want to be happy? It just testifies to me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true and that Satan is real! He so desperately wants to destroy families and the plan of God! Satan has stolen the hearts of men with his counterfeit happiness and has lead people to believe that they can develop those intimate relationships they need in other ways than God has set forth. God has sent us here to live in families so that we can have those intimate relationships that we inherently seek for. He has done this so that we can learn to create more intimate relationships with friends and through dating, marrying and having children. There is a purpose to God’s plan and if we follow it I know that we will be truly happy and satisfied in life. Marriage is ordained of God! There may be ups and downs in marriage, but as we keep the Lord’s commandments He will bless us tremendously and we will know true happiness.

For further study of the purposes of marriage and family refer to The Family: A Proclamation to the World. It can be found here.

Caution: First Time Blogger

Hello World! My name is Tracy Nuttall. I am new to blogging and am still trying to figure everything out so hopefully it will all be ok and work out. I created this blog as a requirement for the Family Relations class I am taking this semester up at BYU-Idaho. Therefore, a lot of my posts will be about that and what I learn or thoughts that I have. I'll try to make it as interesting as possible. I hope you enjoy! :)

 FAMILY

To start off though I would like to say that family is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in this world! I truly believe that! They are there for you no matter what to love and support you. My family (right) has always been there for me and I can honestly say that my older sister Kimi is my best friend, other than my husband of course. Even now since I've been married my husband, Brad, has always supported me and loves me dearly, even when I can be a bit crazy and moody. I love my family!