Communication & Conflict in Marriage

     The eyes of my understanding were opened this week to the miracle and purpose of communication, listening, and counseling. This week we read about communication and conflict in marriage. I felt like these topics specifically applied to me because I am a terrible communicator especially when it comes to resolving conflict with my husband. Growing up we didn't talk about our feelings very much - it just wasn't something we regularly did. And I still don't like to talk about my feelings - why I'm angry or sad, etc. It drives my husband crazy. After this week's reading I discovered that when conflict arises I am an avoider. I would much rather keep the peace and not talk about it and fight and argue. You would think that this would be good right - avoiding fighting. However, it is destructive to a relationship because issues are never discussed. If issues are never discussed then anger and frustration builds up inside until you only see the negative. I have truly learned this week that it is important to discuss your feelings and concerns. But the trick to fighting effectively is using "I" statements such as 'I really like when the dishes are done' or 'I am concerned about this or that'. No one likes the blame game especially if you're the one being blamed. Using "I" statements attacks the issue and not your partner. I don't always use "I" statements, but I am trying to do better. I can tell you though that when I do use "I" statements I am more calm when my husband and I discuss issues and the conflict gets resolved more effectively and I don't feel attacked and angry in the end as I usually do.
     I also learned of the importance of councils and counseling with our councils. There is a proper way to council. It is effective at solving problems because every member of the council has the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings and ideas. It is an open discussion where every one is respected. Proper counseling seeks to find truth not to "win" or to be "right." I strongly recommend reading Elder M. Russell Ballard's October 1993 and April 1994 General Conference talks, Strength in Counsel and Counseling with Our Councils. Elder Ballard teaches the Lord's way of counseling.