Parenting

Why do people want to have kids and be parents? I mean in 2009 it was estimated that the cost of raising one child from birth to age 17 was $221,000! That's a lot of money! There are plenty of reasons couples choose to have children and why some opt out.

Why People Want to Have Children

• Experience of happiness in a family
• Personal fulfillment
• Personal & family legacy
• Personal status
• Religious beliefs
• Social expectations

Why People Opt Out

• Personal Fulfillment
• Focus on career
• Economic costs of children
• Focus on marriage
• Doubts about parenting skills                                                                                   

Most of the reasons why people opt out of having children are for selfish reasons or out of fear. The reality is having a child is always going to be scary whether it's your first child or your fifth! And parenting is always going to require sacrifice on your part to meet the needs of the child. There will never be a good enough reason not to have kids unless it puts the mother's life in danger! The benefits of parenthood far outweigh the benefits of being childless. So why is parenting so important?

The Purposes of Parenting

• to develop patience & selflessness & unconditional love
• to teach us & children
• intergenerational patterns established/perpetuated
• to continue learning
• to approximate God's role; change our relationship with Him

 

*Parenting does just as much for the parent as it does for the child*

Children are not well accepted in today's world. Many adults see today's children as spoiled and rude. All I can say to that is that if children act that way it is their parent's fault! That's right I said it it the parent's fault! Parents are responsible to teach their children. If parents don't teach their children they will learn from other sources: the world! So what should parents teach their children? A guy by the last name of Popkins says children should be taught four things:

1. Cooperation - working with others
2. Mutual Respect - demonstrate it instead of just demanding it)
3. Responsibility - giving children choices and consequences. It's teaching them to respond
4. Courage - from the heart - a risk with a desired outcome. Encourage kids!

Parenting is the biggest responsibility, but it is also the biggest opportunity for you to influence someone for the better. Who wouldn't want that kind of an opportunity?!

Working Together as Families

          What do you want to be when you grow up? is a common question little children are asked. Some want to be police men while others want to be artists. However, you never hear the response, "I want to be a father or a mother." Why is that? Such roles are devalued in our culture and society now-a-days. Women required to stay home with the children are "oppressed" because they can't go out and earn money. The world seems to think that how much money you earn determines your worth. This just isn't so. In Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless's article Family Work, they discuss the importance and purpose of family work. In today's fast paced world we are constantly looking for new ways of doing things more effectively and efficiently. Bahr and Loveless state that this takes away from the purpose of family work of talking, playing, and serving one another. I would urge everyone to read their article. 

          Another interesting fact about mothers with children that work is that they are actually paying to work. For example, say the husband makes around $43,000 a year and the wife makes around $23,000 a year. The family should be making around $66,000 a year right? Wrong! The family actually only makes $41,500 a year. Why? Child care services like day care or preschool are pretty pricey. It really isn't that economical for mothers to go to work. That doesn't mean that mothers can't work from home. If they did they would still get paid but not have to pay for daycare or gas to go to and from work everyday. :)

Communication & Conflict in Marriage

     The eyes of my understanding were opened this week to the miracle and purpose of communication, listening, and counseling. This week we read about communication and conflict in marriage. I felt like these topics specifically applied to me because I am a terrible communicator especially when it comes to resolving conflict with my husband. Growing up we didn't talk about our feelings very much - it just wasn't something we regularly did. And I still don't like to talk about my feelings - why I'm angry or sad, etc. It drives my husband crazy. After this week's reading I discovered that when conflict arises I am an avoider. I would much rather keep the peace and not talk about it and fight and argue. You would think that this would be good right - avoiding fighting. However, it is destructive to a relationship because issues are never discussed. If issues are never discussed then anger and frustration builds up inside until you only see the negative. I have truly learned this week that it is important to discuss your feelings and concerns. But the trick to fighting effectively is using "I" statements such as 'I really like when the dishes are done' or 'I am concerned about this or that'. No one likes the blame game especially if you're the one being blamed. Using "I" statements attacks the issue and not your partner. I don't always use "I" statements, but I am trying to do better. I can tell you though that when I do use "I" statements I am more calm when my husband and I discuss issues and the conflict gets resolved more effectively and I don't feel attacked and angry in the end as I usually do.
     I also learned of the importance of councils and counseling with our councils. There is a proper way to council. It is effective at solving problems because every member of the council has the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings and ideas. It is an open discussion where every one is respected. Proper counseling seeks to find truth not to "win" or to be "right." I strongly recommend reading Elder M. Russell Ballard's October 1993 and April 1994 General Conference talks, Strength in Counsel and Counseling with Our Councils. Elder Ballard teaches the Lord's way of counseling.

When Crisis Strikes

     There are times in all of our lives of stress and crisis. Some crises are not as damaging while others have a much longer lasting effect that makes it harder to bounce back.

     Think of crisis as an opportunity with danger. An opportunity in the sense that you can grow from the experience and danger in the sense that things will be crazy for a while. Reuben Hill came up with a model to explain stress and crisis - the ABCX model.

A - the Actual event

                    B - Both resources & responses

           +     C - Cognitions (What you think)

        X - The total eXperience

     Crises can be different for different people and families. A lost job may be a mere set back to one family while it is considered the end of the world to another family. We all see and cope with crisis in different ways. It's important to remember that it's the structure (your response to the stresser) not the stresser that is destructive. This is because crises necessitate change. Nothing will change unless you change it. Let me explain. You may think that the stresser event caused your feelings, but really it's your thoughts that cause your feelings and resulting actions because actions are consistent with thoughts and feelings. This is because when crisis strikes our brain goes crazy analyzing it to death. Therefore, if you think negatively about the stresser event your feelings and actions will be negative, but be if you think positively about the stresser event your feelings and actions will be positive. The power of thought is amazing! When you change your thoughts it changes your feelings and actions. We have a choice to react to the stresser or to respond. Here's a model to clearly show what how our thoughts influence us.

 

     The trick to dealing with a crisis is to observe and describe reality in a non-judgmental way. Other effective ways to cope with crisis is to take responsibility (don't play the victim game), affirm your own and your family's worth, balance self-concern with other-concern, learn the art of reframing (paradigm shift), and find and use available resources. If you cope with crisis effectively you might just come out better than before the crisis.

Marital Intimacy

We've all been taught from the time that we are young that you should only have sex when you are married. Any such activity outside of marriage is wrong. And it is - it is wrong to engaged in sexual intimacy before marriage, but people never tend to talk about why such intimacy is encouraged in a marriage. We are taught that sex is bad so many believe that it is a bad thing. Some people even feel guilty for having sex after they get married. We and our future children need to understand that marital intimacy is approved and is such a good, and critical thing when used appropriately. Intimacy in marriage brings a husband and a wife closer together. It is a way for them to express their love for one another and to help the other feel safe and secure. Sexual intimacy in marriage is such a wonderful, sacred, spiritual experience. This should be communicated to the youth so that they fully understand sex and love. So many teens, and even adults, think that love and sex are two unrelated events - that one night stands are acceptable to fulfill intimacy needs. In an article/pamphlet by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson called Making a Love Connection it says,

"For another reason, teenagers also lack what earlier generations took for granted: a normative sequence for the timing of sex, marriage, and parenthood. Today's teens struggle in a culture that no longer tells them how these three events should be sequenced or what the optimal sequence might be."

Teens today don't understand sex and it's timing or purposes because they are not taught about it. This kind of teaching should be first taught in the home to ensure proper teaching. If we don't teach our children the proper use of sex the world will teach them its views.I know it is an uncomfortable and awkward conversation to have with teenagers, but it must be done. The more teens understand the doctrine and purposes of sex they more responsible they will be with it. If you don't know where to begin or how to talk to your child about sexual intimacy I suggest you read this article by Matthew O. Richardson called Teaching Chastity and Virtue. It outlines six strategies for teaching your children about sexual intimacy.